DAILY CATHOLIC    WEDNESDAY     April 7, 1999     vol. 10, no. 68

APRIL APOLOGUES: FOOD FOR THOUGHT APPETEASERS

To print out entire text of Today's issue, go to SECTION ONE and SECTION TWO
      With Lent over, we can now resume our weekly Appeteasers providing a chuckle for all as well as Food for Thought. Today we present two vignettes Catholics can appreciate, the first was sent by both NH and LS on definitions for Catholics which we call "Tongue-in-cheek Daffinitions for Catholics". The second also comes from LS, - a short prayer that we can all relate to called the "Alarm clock Prayer." Enjoy.

TONGUE IN CHEEK CATHOLIC DAFFINITIONS

  • AMEN: The only part of a prayer that everyone knows.

  • BULLETIN: 1. Parish information, read only during the homily. 2. Catholic air conditioning. 3. Your receipt for attending Mass.

  • CHOIR: A group of people whose singing allows the rest of the congregation to lip-sync.

  • HOLY WATER: A liquid whose chemical formula is H2OLY.

  • HYMN: A song of praise, usually sung in a key three octaves higher than that of the congregation's range.

  • RECESSIONAL HYMN: The last song at Mass, often sung a little more quietly, since most of the people have already left.

  • INCENSE: Holy Smoke!

  • JESUITS: An order of priests known for their ability to found colleges with good basketball teams.

  • JONAH: The original "Jaws" story.

  • JUSTICE: When kids have kids of their own.

  • KYRIE ELIEISON: The only Greek words that most Catholics can recognize besides gyros and baklava.

  • MAGI: The most famous trio to attend a baby shower.

  • MANGER: 1. Where Mary gave birth to Jesus because Joseph wasn't covered by an HMO.
    2. The Bible's way of showing us that holiday travel has always been rough.

  • PEW: A medieval torture device still found in Catholic Churches.

  • PROCESSION: The ceremonial formation at the beginning of Mass, consisting of altar servers, the celebrant, and late parishioners looking for seats.

  • RECESSIONAL: The ceremonial procession at the conclusion of Mass - led by parishioners trying to beat the crowd to the parking lot.

  • RELICS: People who have been going to Mass for so long, they actually know when to sit, kneel, and stand.

  • TEN COMMANDMENTS: The most important Top Ten list not given by David Letterman

  • USHERS: The only people in the parish who don't know the seating capacity of a pew.

Alarm clock prayer!

    Dear Lord,      
    So far today, God, I've done all right. I haven't gossipped or lost my temper. I haven't been greedy, nasty, selfish or indulgent. I haven't cussed or given in to impure thoughts. All of this I'm really proud of, but in a few minutes, God, I'm probably going to need a lot more help because I'll be getting out of bed for the day. And that's when I'm really, really going to need Your help!!!
    Thank you and Amen.

April 7, 1999       volume 10, no. 68
FEBRUARY FAVORS FLAVORING FOOD FOR THOUGHT APPETEASERS

DAILY CATHOLIC

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