DAILY CATHOLIC    WEDNESDAY     February 3, 1999     vol. 10, no. 23


To print out entire text of Today's issue, go to SECTION ONE and SECTION TWO
      We thought we'd start our February Favors off on a humorous note. With Lent just two weeks away, there'll be plenty of time to bring you serious appeteasers, so today we bring you the "Ultimate Virus Warning!" We've borrowed from two different posts from DN and GD that we received and added a few twists ourself. With all the talk of the Y2K bug, there's something much more urgent out there and it could very well be this virus. A good deterrent to this virus also could be to keep some holy water handy! You see, there really is only one cure and it isn't an anti-virus program but a tried and true program that the Great Webmaster downloaded to a fisherman almost 2000 years ago.

Virus Warning! Watch out for "Badtimes" aka the "hades harangue!"

          There is a computer virus that is being sent across the Internet. If you receive an e-mail message with the subject line "Free Money," "Easy Life" or "Badtimes" DO NOT read the message. DELETE it immediately. The drastic measure would be to unplug your computer, then burn it to ashes in a government-approved toxic waste disposal incinerator and blame it on the Tobacco lobbyists.

          Otherwise, you might be in real trouble if you don't delete it immediately. If you open it, you could be in for a hell of a time!

          Once a computer is infected, it will be TOO LATE. Your computer will begin to emit a vile odor.

    Then it will secrete a foul, milky discharge.

    Verily, it shall screech with the tortured, monitor-shattering scream of 1,000 hell-scorched souls, drawing unwanted attention to your cubicle from co-workers and supervisors alike, howling like a banshee.

    It will not only erase everything on your hard drive, but it will also delete anything on disks within 20 feet of your computer.

    It demagnetizes the stripes on ALL of your credit cards.

    It reprograms your ATM access code, screws up the tracking on your VCR and uses subspace field harmonics to scratch any CD's you attempt to play.

    It will re-calibrate your refrigerator's coolness settings so all your icecream melts and your milk curdles.

    It will program your phone auto-dial to call only your mother-in-law's number.

    This virus will mix antifreeze into your fish tank.

    It will reprogram your radio so that Howard Stern replaces Rush Limbaugh; and your television where Larry King preempts Mother Angelica.

    It will drink all your beer and, at the same time, force you to play those obnoxious Miller Lite Beer commercials over and over in your mind!

    It will leave dirty socks and diapers on the coffee table when you are expecting company and the kids will hurl their spinach souffle while at that fancy restaurant.

    Its radioactive emissions will cause your taste buds to change where desserts taste like liver and onions.

    It will replace your shampoo with Nair and your Nair with Rogaine.

    It will go on a wild spending spree on the on-line malls, billing it all to your Visa card.

    It will cause you to think faith is totally superstitious and put your trust in technology.

    It will give you Dutch Elm Disease, the gout, ringworm and acne.

    It will rewrite your backup files, changing all your active verbs to passive tense and incorporating undetectable misspellings which grossly change the interpretations of key sentences.

    If the "Badtimes" message is opened in a Windows95 environment, it will leave the toilet seat up and leave your hair dryer plugged in dangerously close to a full bathtub.

    It will not only remove the forbidden tags from your mattresses and pillows, but it will also refill your skim milk with whole milk.

    It will persuade you that there's nothing bad on television and Clinton is an innocent victim of right-wing conservatives.

    It will replace all your luncheon meat with Spam.

    It will prompt you to put all your trust in HMO's.

    It will molecularly rearrange your cologne or perfume, causing it to smell like dill pickles.

    It will change your alarm clock so you sleep late on Sunday morning and miss Holy Mass.

    It will convince you that that's no big thing and you'll make it a habit of missing Mass, forgetting Confession and become a politically correct cafeteria Catholic.

    It will cause you to plead insanity and read about Virus alerts like this!

    Ooops, maybe that's a sign the virus is creeping in. Funny, satan works the same way!

February 3, 1999       volume 10, no. 23


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