My very dear beloved Roman Catholic brothers and sisters in Christ,
It has been an extremely long time since I have written anything for The Daily Catholic. If you have been with us since September, 2003, then you will remember that at that time, my beloved Michael, editor of this publication, a true apostle of these dire times of chaos and confusion as the Light of the True Faith seems to flicker precariously, sought your prayers for me as I lay dying of triple pneumonia. That whole time is lost for me, except one very clear memory. I'd like to share that memory with you, for in this way you will more clearly see the reason for a plea I will make after relating this event.
I share this not by my own will, but as our Blessed Mother asks me to do. In obedience, I leave for the time it takes me to write these few words, my totally cloistered, hidden life, so that God's will, never my own, be done.
In September two years ago after being rushed to emergency in Branson, Missouri on the evening of the feast of the Seven Sorrows of the Blessed Virgin Mary, I was placed on life support the next day and remained thus for about ten days. After extensive efforts by the good people at the hospital and my caring, truly Christ-like Doctor, there was little progress. Fearing that to continue on life support would further incapacitate me, they took me off the ventilator and replaced it with a CPAP mask. I was unable to tolerate the rush of air it provided, feeling totally suffocated by the contraption. To counter this I was given a regular oxygen mask helping me to breathe. My doctor came to my bedside, and with tears in his eyes, begged me to go back on life support for my oxygen level had dropped into the low 70% range. I said 'No." He told me again that life support was imperative, or I would be dead in ten minutes.
Now I had already been blessed to be able to receive the Sacrament of Extreme Unction by a dedicated Traditional priest who, after a very early morning call by my Michael to him once my condition had been asserted as very serious, had driven a few hours to administer this life-saving sacrament just before they placed me on life support. He had been scheduled to fly to California early that afternoon, yet he still took the time to drive all the way down from well north of Springfield, Missouri to Branson before driving back up to the airport in Springfield. That's the kind of calibre of Traditional priests - treasures that are so few and in between. Cherish them in these dire time for they are our lifeline to the true sacraments of Holy Mother Church.
As the ten minutes ticked down, my doctor stood with me at my bedside - truly one with the proverbial 'bedside manner' that one seeks in every doctor - and he held my hand as he continued to feel my pulse. I knew he was crying, even though he'd turned his back to me. I could see the Intensive Care staff also were collapsing in tears, for they had labored 24 hours a day for 2 weeks to get me better.
I started to slip into unconsciousness. In the minute or two that I had left I told my beloved Jesus that I wanted only His Will, not my own. From my soul arose an ardent prayer of total faith and confidence in the goodness of God, Who alone gives life, Who alone takes us home. My prayer was simple. Our sons had both fallen away from the faith, and had delivered themselves to the world, the flesh and the devil. Thus, my prayer, uttered from the depths of my soul was this: "If it would be pleasing to you, O Lord, I humbly ask that, should you allow me to live, I will live in order to suffer in reparation and expiation for the sins of my sons, that through Your Infinite Merits and the intercession of the Immaculate Heart of Mary, they may be granted the miraculous grace of total conversion to the One True Faith."
In less than a second my soul was filled with peace. Unalterable, unshakable peace. I knew He was pleased with my fiat and that He accepted it fully. Though I have suffered all of my life with illness, our dear Lord expanded my spirit, so that during the full year of recovery that followed and ever since, my offer to live in order to suffer, being nailed to the cross with my beloved Jesus, I continue to offer whatever redemptive suffering I can for all of His souls, redeemed only through the shedding of the very last drop of His Most Precious Blood.
I have shared this with you at our Blessed Mother's command, only to show you, to tell you that each one of us who have retained the True Faith and fight for it as members of the Church Militant, do so only because of God's Infinite Mercy for us. Having received such a singular grace as to have the One True Faith, we cannot just give Him a deep sigh of gratitude, then turn inward as if hording for ourselves the priceless gift of the One True Faith. On the contrary, our Lord expects so much more from each of us, to the degree He deems necessary and in the manner He selects. All of us, to the degree He deems necessary and in the manner He selects, are called to offer Him our very life, fully without exception, for Holy Mother Church and the conversion and salvation of countless souls. Yes, He asks us to trust Him fully, generously surrendering our life and even confiding to His Sacred Heart our eternal salvation and happiness.
If we, who by Mercy alone, have found the True Faith after the sure dead-end of the Novus Ordo path, or if you have been privileged to have never experienced the vernacular vulgarness of the new rite, are called by our Lord to be true apostles, and to pray unceasingly for Divine Intervention to restore the True Faith for the salvation of all souls whom He died to save. Can we do less than give Him everything? Heaven is costly; suffering united to His Sacred and Sorrowful Passion becomes an exquisite prayer, whereby our Heavenly Mother dispenses graces for conversions, all the while we, who willingly suffer, know from faith that the Holy Ghost is sanctifying us. He asks each of you to pray about this to the Sanctifier, and to be so confident in His Love, Mercy and Grace, that you will offer Him your life for the restoration of Holy Mother Church, to hasten the Triumph of the Immaculate Heart of Mary, and to save countless souls from perdition.
Every day, many times throughout each day, I renew the offer of my life that I may suffer. And, yes, I do suffer...but with joy for love of Him. Yes, I am human and at times it seems unbearable and I do all in my power to give it to the Sacred and Immaculate Hearts, stifling a scream or a complaint to suffer in silence as best I can, realizing if Our Lord could get back on His feet after falling under the heavy wood and stinging whips, surely I can offer my small part in uniting my suffering with Him. That, my dear friends in Christ, is the essence of the "Symphony of Suffering." It's very simple, and yet very difficult unless we realize the rewards.
Allow me to share how generously our Lord responds with grace when we are generous in our love for Him. Our older son, soon to be 23, and afflicted with epilepsy, has come back to the Faith. He has a way to go, but each day I see with my own eyes our Heavenly Mother work in his life. Our younger son, who recently turned 20, and who not only left the Faith, but also his family, being caught up in pleasure, using alcohol, drugs and associating with demons disguised as 'friends', called us three weeks ago. He asked to speak to me. This concerned me since he has hardly spoken a complete sentence to either his father or to me in two and a half years. I am so thankful that I was sitting down when I picked up the receiver. Our son had sworn he would never come to Spokane, ever! He had reiterated that just a week before this call. He has suffered so much...most of it he has done to himself with that impetuous rebellion of youth. He is ill in body, mind and soul. Yet, he said: "Mom, I'm coming home. I want to come home." Only our Heavenly Mother could have worked this miracle, for indeed it is a miracle! I renew my offer constantly. How good and gracious and forgiving is our Lord to all who come to Him with a humble and contrite heart. "Come to Me, all you that labor, and are burdened, and I will refresh you. Take up My yoke upon you, and learn of Me, because I am meek, and humble of heart: and you shall find rest to your souls. For My yoke is sweet and My burden light" (Matthew 11: 28-30). Truer words were never spoken.
Our prodigal son is returning. Both sons' conversion back to the One True Faith has begun. It will take time, but God cannot be outdone in generosity. Until I breathe my last breath, I will live to suffer in reparation and expiation for my own sins, those of my own family, and all His souls. I remind you of the beautiful, powerful prayer of St. Gertrude "Eternal Father, I offer Thee the Precious Blood of Thy Divine Son Jesus, in union with all the [True] Masses said throughout the world today; for the holy souls in Purgatory, for sinners everywhere, for sinners in the Universal Church, in my home, and in my own family. Amen." That prayer helps sustain me for He has taught me that our life only has meaning to the measure that we imitate Him, even to being nailed to the cross with Him. My first reason for sharing these deeply personal things is obedience to God's Will. Second, so that many will understand the design of God for the salvation of souls until the end of the world, and thirdly to ask of you a favor:
To all I ask your prayers for us. Whether I know you by name, have met you, or we remain unknown to one another in this vale of tears, all of my prayers and sufferings are for you, without exception. However, we need your help.
After my miraculous recovery, Michael and I gave up everything to come where the One True Faith is alive and fully lived. It has been nearly one year since we arrived here, struggling to buy a single-wide old mobile home. We have been sustained by the True Faith, your prayers, and the generosity of a couple of souls who contribute regularly to the needs of The Daily Catholic, without whose loving support, we would have to close shop.
My health has deteriorated here, because I have been unable to receive proper medical care. In addition to the pneumonia, I also suffer excruciating fibromyalgia, Parkinson's Disease, and just since late June I've developed systemic lupus. It is absolutely vital for us to return to San Diego for many reasons, some because of my doctors there,and more importantly, in exact obedience to our Lord's mandate for He has asked of us specific apostolic labors in that diocese on behalf of the True Faith and to resuscitate SANCTUS by headquartering it there so that we can intensify efforts to preserve as many traditions of Holy Mother Church from being destroyed or worse, being desecrated.
"With men this is impossible: but with God all things are possible" (Matthew 19: 26). However, without your generous help we can not even contemplate a move. In truth, because of the laws in the State of Washington, we cannot afford to stay here, nor can we afford to move...unless you can help us in this. Because of my three week stay in the hospital two years ago, we had to declare medical bankruptcy early in 2004 and had to sell our home in Missouri, for we could not afford the medical co-payments that mounted to thousands of dollars a month. Michael receives Social Security benefits and takes no salary for his tireless work with The Daily Catholic. It is truly a labor of love. Meanwhile, we cannot afford the necessary medicines I need to even be able to function as a wife and mother.
Our beloved Lord Jesus Christ and His Immaculate Mother ask us to return to our roots in California for several reasons that I will not divulge here. Suffice it to say, to do this we must ask for donations. We can only turn to our readers in all humilty ask you to
donate to The Daily Catholic whatever you can. Our goal, considering the objectives and expenses, is $10,000. A drop in the bucket to some, but to us a fortune. Although this will allow us to move as a family, the monies are truly to put us where God wills us to go, to do what He asks us to do there, all for His greater honor and glory and the restoration of the One True Faith, one soul at a time in His time.
My beloved Michael tells me often of your generous response when I lay dying in a Missouri hospital two years ago this month. I know I have much more to suffer, much work to do in a hidden way. Therefore, trusting in His Merciful Love, I humbly beseech each of you to donate whatever you can to help us carry on this apostolate and special mission we have been entrusted to carry out, and to permit me to continue to live in order to offer redemptive suffering for as long as He wills. For this to happen, I need medical care and medications I cannot obtain or afford here. Willingly do I suffer what is a true martyrdom of my body, mind, emotions, nerves, and dark night of the soul. I hold all of you close to His Sacred Heart every day and night, so that you may feel His loving Hand in your own lives, and realize how powerful suffering is when it is made united to His Infinite Passion. Were all of us to do all that we could for the Love of Him, our Blessed Mother's Immaculate Heart would triumph immediately, and a glorious rebirth of the Roman Catholic Church will transform the face of the earth.
Our Lord can do no more to show His Infinite Love for us than by dying for us. And I, so small and weak and full of faults as a miserable sinner, with so many imperfections and past sins, seek to grow daily in love of Him, and to bring many souls into His loving embrace. Place yourself at the foot of the Cross; kneel before His Real Presence in the Most Blessed Sacrament. Ask Him for the grace to be generous with all that you have, for everything comes from Him. Then, with absolute confidence in His Love that will repay you both now and in eternity ten-fold, even one hundred-fold. As a humble mendicant, I beg of you to please, please donate to The Daily Catholic whatever you can.
Michael and I shall be forever grateful. Never do we forget to pray for everyone who visits The Daily Catholic as we remember all in the Memento of the Living in the Canon of the Holy Mass just before the Consecration - that Sublime Moment when the bread and wine are transubstantiated into His Body and Blood, Soul and Divinity. And in my own vocation of suffering when I am not able to assist at Holy Mass,I remember all of you to my Lord and my God, and our Heavenly Mother.
May our Lord bless you, give to you His Peace; may the Holy Ghost inspire you and move you to be generous, and may Mary, our Heavenly Mother, watch over you with all her maternal love.
Humbly, I thank you for reading this and praying over these poor words. Even should I not be able to write again, I am still here praying and thanking you, asking God to give you the graces so necessary for sustenance in these tumultuous times.
Your very little sister in Christ,