As an attorney who has seen 'The Passion of The Christ,' I feel that it is my professional and moral duty to announce the following list of potential lawsuits arising from this movie.
Carpenters and Craftsmen
Even a cursory viewing of this film will prove that carpenters and craftsmen are not positively portrayed in this motion picture. Just look at the cross! I saw tons of poor craftsmanship in that wood! Somebody must pay for this Anti-Carpenter and Anti-Craftsman tone! If enough people see this film there will be waves of feeling that all carpenters and craftsmen do shabby work and do not make good crosses and, by inference, oak or mahogany bar stools! Such lies and inaccuracy cannot be tolerated!
Where is the outrage!?
Did you see how those Romans acted? Like animals attacking meat! Clearly, this shows that Romans and anyone descending from Romans is a brute, a monster, an evil demon loose on this earth! Think of what this can do to tourism to Italy and to pizza sales all over the world! If this portrayal is allowed to spill throughout the world, Italian food will lose its appeal and nobody will take the Vatican seriously, er, skip that last part.
But seriously, who will listen to a Dean Martin song or even watch The Godfather trilogy, or, God forbid, The Sopranos the same way again? Why it's enough for Frank Keating to accuse all Italians as being associated with the mafia, not just the Bishops.
I may have to represent airline pilots as a whole. You may ask how pilots could possibly be harmed by this film, but you must look deeply into the mind of both Mel Gibson and the typical viewer. Clearly, the word "Pilate" was shown numerous times on the screen during this motion picture. Also clearly, this "Pilate" had something to do with Christ's death! In view of all of these facts, think how those who recall mainly by sound will soon associate "Pilate" with "pilot" and eventually blame all pilots, private and commercial, for the worst crime in history! Think of it, "Please secure your seatbelts" will never be the same again!
I shudder to think what this could do to the airline industry. Why they would have to discount all their fares. Is that fair? Pontius wouldn't think so, but then he'd wash his hands of the whole affair. Sorry, pilots, you're on your own! If you really want to fly by-the-seat-of-your-pants in the face of turbulent headwinds, take a Traditional Catholic along with you as a co-pilot, they're used to storms and disturbances in the atmosphere. Not only that, but they're not afraid to fly. God is their co-pilot. The most experience aviator at this is Mel himself.
Next we must deal with that rabid bunch of contractors that surely will be incensed at how their craft has been degraded so.
Did you see how that Temple floor just split like cheese right after Christ's death?
Clearly a misrepresentation of the quality of your typical contractor. If enough people see this movie, why everyone will think that every driveway in the world will split seconds after any crucifixion! Such a lie cannot be tolerated and must be avenged!
Why, this alone will jeopardize every real-estate sales person. Think of the lost commissions. What's that? Yes, housing would be more affordable, but we can't spoil a good thing and the way many contractors pushed prices up, well that's in concrete. Oops, gotta be careful, the Unions might start feeling offended, too. What with Jimmy Hoffa supposedly buried in cement. There again, the Cosa Nostra might take offense to that. I mean, the list is endless as to those who Mel Gibson has offended.
PETA and Herpetologists
Why I hear PETA is up in arms because of the dead animals in the film. How dare they harm an animal even if one was a rotting carcass of a sheep. What do you think Mel was trying to say there? Shepherds everywhere should be up in arms over this truism.
Likewise, herpetologists should be incensed of such mistreatment of a snake. It was only slithering around and Christ had to go and smash its head with His heel. Why snake charmers the world over will be in a huff with their puff adders. How dare Mel equate the devil with a serpent. Why, where did he ever get such a crazy idea? Hint: they don't want to hear about the historical accuracy of Scripture, but they'll stand in line with the vegans to complain about the film. Typical.
Hypocrites and Secular Scholars
While I plan to initiate the above class actions as soon as possible, I am presently occupied trying to help the multitudes of hypocrites and secular scholars now suffering from three maladies inflicted by Mel Gibson's shameless production of this movie.
The first malady is extreme egg in the face, which prevents the victim from looking intelligent and even credible on any level.
Secondly, many have exhibited eating crow, which comes from predicting doom where there is bloom, and strife where there is new life.
Lastly, there is loss of credibility, which happens to those whose entire purpose on this earth is revealed to be something less than the stuff which comes out in dryers when you dry your clothes and which those pilots fly through. For all the PhDs and journalistic prizes, these fools have been shown to be no more important to what really matters than how much popcorn is contained in a typical bag. One thing they have in common: they're saturated in oil fat. They'll butter you up, but in the end you're not left with a kernel of truth. It all turns to waste!
It must be a terrible shock to be exposed and left naked for the entire world to see as an arrogant, clueless, charlatan with a pen or pulpit, or a senile old fool with a forest for eyebrows! If this movie spreads, all will think that such people are nothing to listen to and less to think about! Imagine the damage that would do to the eventual salvation of us all!
It is clear from the above that Mel's movie has done much damage to the fabric of the straightjacket we call this secular world. And right there is another group who must be up in arms. Psychiatrists and psychologists will be out of work if this film lasts much longer. Why, people will realize once again they don't need the crutch and psychobabble and take accountability for their lives. We can't have that. Why, what will liberals do? Such blatant disregard for what makes us empty cannot be tolerated!
It's just unfair that movie theater owners, vendors and cinema complex employees are working so much and the rest of us are so miserable over one little film.
If this movie is not stopped, happiness and rebirth in faith might result, brotherhood and love will abound, and lawyers everywhere will be out of work which, come to think of it, might be, in and of itself, a form of anti-Semitism! Quick, call Abe Foxman!