GABRIEL'S CLARION (apr21gab.htm)


April 21, 2004
Wednesday
vol 15, no. 111

AMERICAN CATHOLIC

It takes three specially selected stooges to
judge the latest craze sweeping souls away!

      " Therefore the concept behind my show, "American Catholic," is that there are many people out there who call themselves American Catholic as that term is now used in this society, but not all have that rare combination of ignorance, insolence, arrogance, and twisted thinking to truly be worthy of representing the growing group of American Catholics which is spreading across our land. Like Fox's hit show, my show would begin with thousands of aspirants to the title, who would be trimmed down by my expert judges to 12, which just happens to be the same number of Apostles Christ initially chose. Ultimately, the viewing public would narrow that field down to one, which appropriately happens to be the number of apostles who betrayed Our Divine Savior!"

    Unless one lives in a monastery, most have heard of the great success of American Idol in which three "expert professional judges" who are supposed to know what is quality and what is "in" sit in judgment of various contestants who bare their voices and nerves to Randy Jackson, Paula Abdul and the brains behind it, the curmudgeon Simon Cowell. The gist of the show is to trim thousands of contestants down to 35 and eventually down to 12 who are then progressively trimmed down by the viewing public until one is chosen the "American Idol." Not one to be shy about respectfully "stealing" a good entertainment idea from the secular arena, I have used the concept of that show to develop one of my own, which I will call "American Catholic."

The Concept of the Show

    The concept behind "American Idol" is that there's a sucker born every minute. In other words, because of the low standards of talent today, they think there are many talented people out there who just need to be heard and given their shot at fame and fortune. In other words, people are more than happy to make total fools of themselves in front of millions, and show, with the exception of a few, that they really aren't that talented. But then, that's what it's all about, competition, survival of the fittest - or the best voice and image. Secondly, the show stresses that while one needs a good voice to make it, there is more to being a pop star than mere voice, therefore the judges look for such things as "star quality", self-confidence, style, charisma, etc. All these traits are judged on today's mores and standards which is really lowering the bar. As contestants are judged inferior to their competitors in these categories, they are eliminated. In the final phase of the show the judges limit their participation to commentary and the American viewing public is invited to vote for their favorites. This third and final concept reminds us that "making it" means being popular with enough people who will buy one's records. In other words, forget Saint Augustine's advice that "wrong is wrong even if everyone is doing it, and right is right even if no none is doing it." It's majority rule and placating the people, something that flows quite well into today's mentality in the New Order.

    Therefore the concept behind my show, "American Catholic," is that there are many people out there who call themselves American Catholic as that term is now used in this society, but not all have that rare combination of ignorance, insolence, arrogance, and twisted thinking to truly be worthy of representing the growing group of American Catholics which is spreading across our land. Like Fox's hit show, my show would begin with thousands of aspirants to the title, who would be trimmed down by my expert judges to 12, which just happens to be the same number of Apostles Christ initially chose. Ultimately, the viewing public would narrow that field down to one, which appropriately happens to be the number of apostles who betrayed Our Divine Savior!

Criteria for Judging

    In the first and second phases, where my judges do the judging, I would allow them to prepare their own questions and to eliminate contestants progressively based on their answers to those individual questions. In the final phase, I would let the general American public, Catholic, Christian, Atheist, Agnostic, Buddhist, Moslem, Hindu, Jewish, and any other religion, vote for their favorites as the least popular would progressively be eliminated until only one contestant remained. Of course I would be sure that no Traditional Catholic were among the judges. We couldn't have that kind of point of view coloring the agenda put forth in "American Catholic." Why that would be like putting Andrea Boccelli up against the melodious sounds of, oh, Eminem or Brittany Spears or any of the other talentless airheads who are so idolized today in a society where shock is the objective.

    So I would have to let all religions vote since, after all we must stay in the spirit of Ecumenism and promote the heresy that all religions are equal! The only criteria for allowing any religion to vote would be that the religion was founded no later than last Tuesday. I mean we have to keep some integrity.

So Many Potential Judges

    What an impressive array and amount of judges available to me! Just look at all of the eligible candidates from the IgNOMinious gNOMe and UGLIES categories. After much painful deliberation trying to scrape three judges from among such a multitude of qualified experts, I have chosen John Kerry, Richard McBrien, and Bridget Mary Meehan.

    Kerry represents those paragons of political morality who claim that it is possible to hold an abortionist's scalpel in one hand while putting the other on the Bible to be sworn into office.

    McBrien represents the clergy, which defies traditional teaching, loves the group The Voice of The Faithful, and is currently being measured for skull space on the floors of hell. As the former head of theology, this sad excuse for a priest can take much of the credit for the total demise a once great Catholic university such as Notre Dame.

    Lastly, Meehan adds a bit of feminist, err, feminine, media flavor to our panel as CNN's religious "expert" who regularly promotes "structural changes" within the Church such as greater lay participation, female ordination, married priesthood, and gay ordination. So, just like "American Idol," we have two shallow, but bombastic and narrow-minded progressive males and a sly, kill-them-softly female.

Types of Questions

    My three renowned and notorious judges have given me some samples of the kinds of questions they will use to "do God's bidding" and select the ultimate "American Catholic" of today.

  • Please describe what Transubstantiation means ( what they expect to hear: a kind of train)
  • What do you think of 'The Passion of The Christ'? (what they expect to hear: too violent, not accurate, boring, Anti-Semitic, made me sick, etc)
  • What is The Real Presence? ( what they expect to hear: what we put under the tree at Christmas time)
  • Are you pro-choice? (what they expect to hear: who isn't?)
  • Are you in favor of contraception? (what they expect to hear: Of course, I am using it right now. Doesn't everybody?)
  • Do you favor Euthanasia? (What they expect to hear from the dumbed-down contestants: I favor youth in all continents)
  • What is your position on Gay Marriage? (What they expect to hear: is that a pun?)
  • What is the Mass? (What they expect to hear: anything with "gathering", "meal", "guitar" etc in it….automatic elimination if one would use the words "sacrifice" "altar" "Latin" etc.)
  • Are all religions the same? (What they expect to hear: there are different religions?)
  • What is Purgatory? (What they expect to hear: a laxative)
  • What is The Holy Trinity? (What they expect to hear: Hillary, Bill, and Al)
  • Do you believe in gay ordination? (What they expect to hear: the kind of God I believe in does)
  • What is confession? (What they expect to hear: a tell-all book)
  • What is a sin? (What they expect to hear: never heard the word)
  • Name two outstanding depictions of Christ's life (possible answers: 'Godspell', 'Jesus Christ Superstar', 'Last Temptation of Christ' …..automatic disqualification for 'The Passion of The Christ').

    In the final phase of the show, where the public votes in, my judges would ask general open-ended questions such as

  • Describe three ways The DaVinci Code is a great book.
  • Describe why anyone with any intelligence is in favor of women priests.
  • Describe two reasons why priests should be married.
  • Describe two reasons why Mel Gibson is dangerous.
  • Describe three reasons why all religions come from God.
  • Describe two reasons why everybody is saved already.
  • Describe three reasons why there is no hell or Purgatory

The Ultimate Winner

    "American Catholic" would ultimately give us the contestant judged to be the best representative of today's American Catholic. The winner would embody and reflect all of the traits, views, and "revised" thinking so common among the "new" Catholics of today. This winner would receive the following prizes:

  • A lifetime pass to all future Ecumenical Conferences
  • A personal tour of the Synagogues and Mosques of Rome by Cardinal Walter Kasper
  • A statue of Buddha for luck
  • A grab bag of assorted symbols and items from 100 religions
  • Autographed photos of each of our renowned judges
  • A dinner with Frances Kissling of 'Catholics for Free Choice'
  • A Roe v. Wade anniversary plaque
  • A free pass to Disney's Gay Pride Week
  • Two free tickets to the upcoming movie on The DaVinci Code
  • Honorary membership in Voice of The Faithful
  • A lifetime subscription to National Catholic Reporter

Conclusion

    Given the popularity of contest type reality shows such as American Idol, Star Search, and Last Comic Standing, I believe that my show "American Catholic" would be a big hit. Hey we could get the Jesuits and Rabbi Schmuley Boteach and even the ADL to promote it. Why The New York Times might even help with some favorable articles. I think I'll call Frank Rich. After all, it would fit very nicely with the outstanding religious movies and "investigative reports" we have seen from CBS and ABC over the past year such as 'Judas', 'Jesus and Paul', and that historic report by ABC on 'The DaVinci Code'. It would also serve outstanding purposes in these particular times. First, it would reassure our friends from other religions that the new 'American Catholic' is ready, willing, and able to sell out his or her faith as long as good prizes are involved. Secondly, it would counter the controversy of Mel Gibson's film with some non-controversial, modernized, secular, New Age, Feminist, Homosexual appeasing Catholicism, which brings a smile to so many progressive people! Lastly, it would combine media bias and Catholic bashing with modernism, feminism, gayism, secularism, relativism, and radicalism in one fine soup of perdition. Who said that television is anti-religion?

Gabriel Garnica


    Editor's Note: We are pleased to announce Gabriel Garnica will be contributing many articles in 2004. Heaven is once again under attack by those who would seek to ignore and overthrow God's majesty and authority. Gabriel Garnica, educator and attorney, will submit regular insights and commentaries to remind and help guide readers toward a deeper and more assertive faith. Touching on topics and issues ranging from personal faith, doctrine, education, scripture, the media, family life, morality, and values, Gabriel's notes will be music to traditional ears but unpleasant tones to those who have bought into the misguided notions so prevalent and spreading in today's Catholic world.


    Gabriel's Clarion
    April 21, 2004
    Volume 15, no. 111