DAILY CATHOLIC for January 10
The Lighter Side
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vol, 9
no. 10

A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to Heaven!

      Ah, the English language - it is a beautiful dialect. As a congressman once said to Dr. David Edwards, head of the Joint National Committee on Language, about the necessity for a commercial nation to be multilingual: "If English was good enough for Jesus Christ, it's good enough for me." Actually Jesus was too smart to speak English for He must have known the malaprops and problems inherent with this hybrid speech brought across the seas and handed down from the more pure Romance languages married to the Germanic tongue. Today we bring you some gems to make you think about why our language says this when it should be saying that. Confused, you may be even more perplexed after you read these fractured funnies below.

Facing Fractured Facts
  • There is no egg in eggplant.
  • No ham in hamburger.
  • No apple nor pine in pineapple.
  • English muffins weren't invented in England nor French fries in France.
  • Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat.
  • Quicksand can work slowly.
  • Boxing rings are square.
  • A guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.
  • Writers write, but fingers don't fing.
  • Grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham.
  • The plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth beeth?
  • One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese?
  • One index, 2 indices?
  • You can make amends but not one amend.
  • You comb through annals of history but not a single annal?
  • Start with a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one,what do you call it?
  • Ever bought a pant?
  • If teachers taught, why didn't preacher praught?
  • Vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?
  • If you wrote a letter, perhaps you bote your tongue?
  • English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane.
  • You recite at a play and play at a recital.
  • Ship by truck and send cargo by ship.
  • Noses run and feet smell.
  • Park on driveways and drive on parkways.
  • A slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and wise guy are opposites.
  • Overlook and oversee are opposites, while quite a lot and quite a few are alike.
  • Weather can be hot as hell one day and cold as hell another.
  • Have you ever seen a horseful carriage, as compared to a horseless one.
  • A strapful gown as opposed to a strapless?
  • Ever known of a sung hero as opposed to an "unsung" hero?
  • Ever experienced requited ("unrequited) love?
  • Have you met someone who was combobulated, gruntled, ruly, or peccable?
  • Some people who ARE spring chickens, or who would ACTUALLY hurt a fly?
  • A house can burn up as it burns down.
  • You fill in a form by filling it out.
  • An alarm clock goes off by going on.
  • When the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible.
  • You wind up a watch to start it, but wind up an essay to end it.

January 14, 1998 volume 9, no. 10
A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to Heaven!

January 1998