DAILY CATHOLIC for December 31
The Lighter Side
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vol, 8
no. 64

A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to Heaven!

    Since we are now in winter and many regions around the world are knee-deep in the white stuff, we thought you might enjoy this little ditty called the Minnesota Diary. No, that's "Diary" not "Dairy." If you are one of those who wields a shovel during this time of the year, you'll appreciate the humor and at the same time give thanks to God for His majesty...and maybe a few petitions to "let up already!"

Minnesota Diary
"I'm Dreaming of a White Christmas...that keeps getting whiter and whiter and whiter. Oh, that's not a dream - it's a nightmare!"
Why the grass is never greener on the other side: Cause it's covered with snow!
Aug. 12: Moved to our new home in Minnesota. Beautiful here. The northern woods are so majestic. Can hardly wait for snow. I love it here.

Oct. 14: Minnesota is the most beautiful place on earth. The leaves have turned colorsóshades of red and orange. Went for a ride through the country and saw some deer. They are so gracefulÖcertainly they are the most beautiful animals on earth. I really love it here.

Nov. 11: Deer season will start soon. I canít imagine anyone wanting to kill such a gorgeous creature. Hope it will snow soon. What a beautiful place.

Dec. 12: Snowed last night. Woke up to find everything blanketed with white. It looks like a postcard! We went outside had cleared the snow off the steps and shoveled the driveway. We had a snowball fight (I won), and when the snow plow came by we got to shovel the driveway again. What a beautiful place. I love Minnesota.

Dec. 14: More snow last night. I love it. The snow plow did his trick to the driveway again. Itís so great here.

Dec. 19: More snow last night. Couldnít get out of the driveway to get to work. I am exhausted from shoveling. And here comes that ##%%@!$#~#% snow plow.

Dec. 22: More of that white %!#~&^# fell last night. I have blisters on my hands from shoveling. I think the snow plow hides around the curves and waits until Iím done shoveling the driveway. #%*!#

Dec. 25: Merry %#%&*!~*#& Christmas! More #%!^&%#% snow. If I ever get my hands on that !~#~%&^*^# who drives that snow plow, I swear Iíll kill the &%#%@#^%&. Donít know why they donít use more salt on the roads to melt the *&%#!#%^# ice.

Dec. 26: More white &%#%&!*~# fell last night. Been inside for three days-except for shoveling the driveway after that snow plow goes through. Canít go anywhere, the carís stuck in a mountain of white #%#^&*!~%#!. The weatherman says to expect 19 inches of the #!~#%^&%## stuff again tonight. Do you know how many shovels of snow 10 inches is?

Dec. 28: The #%@^!&~*&#% weatherman was wrong. We got 34 inches of that white #%@#!!&%*# this time. At this rate it wonít melt before next summer. The snow plow got stuck up the road and that %#@!%^&^~# came to the door and asked to borrow my shovel. After I told him I had broken six shovels already shoveling all the *^#%@%# snow he pushed into my driveway, I broke my last shovel over his *&%#@~#~!%^# head.

Jan 4: Finally got out of the house today. Went to the store to get food and on the way back a %#%@!~#%^&## deer ran in front of my car and I hit it. Did $3,000 damage to the car. Those &%#%@~!~%# beasts should be killed. Wish the hunters had killed them all last November!

May 3: Took the car to the garage downtown in the cities. Would you believe, the thing is rusting out from all that &*#%@!#~#^ salt they put all over the road?

May 10: Bought a new car and moved to Florida. I canít imagine why anyone in their right mind would ever live in that godforsaken state of Minnesota. Weather here is so delightful. Folks down this way say it'll really get hot, but we're not worried. Can't get that hot, can it? Say the same about the mosquitoes and bugs. They're not bothering us...at least for now. Heard about the sink holes. Can't be that bad. Alligators are fascinating basking on the shore in the sun. Folks tryin' to scare us about stories of flooding, hurricanes and tornadoes...oh, and that thing about the heat again. But at least it aint' snow!"

June 15: Been raining for the last five days. Don't know if the sun will ever shine. Sure is humid! Those &##%&!~#!@#% BUGS!!! Can't they keep those gators contained, one keeps snooping around the door. Ain't safe going outdoors!

July 20: Air conditioning out and it's hotter than hades!!! Part of the backyard is a big sinkhole and snakes in the pit aren't real friendly. Too many tourists. Why don't they go home! Place is crawlin' with those #@##!~~%#^&!# bugs of every kind. Never saw such big #%%@!~#^ SPIDERS!!!

August 15: Looking into buying a condo in Hawaii. Weather there delightful and no snakes!!!

September 15: Greetings from the land of pineapples. Have a beautiful view on the side of this inactive volcano on Maui. Life's great. No sinkholes, soft ocean breezes and beautiful waves. Florida was too flat and hot. Very few bugs here and no snakes!!! Love it here.

October 15: Nobody told us the volcano was rumbling. Keeps us awake every night. Getting pretty sticky outside. Rain is beautiful, but everyday!!! Didn't realize scorpions grew that big!!!

November 25: Well, said goodbye to our condo as it flowed with the lava down the hillside. We're staying at a hotel on Waikiki right now, not sure where we'll go. Sure is expensive here!!!

December 25: Greetings from Minnesota. Snow is beautiful. We're truly having a white Christmas. Can't imagine why anyone would ever leave this beautiful area...

December 31, 1997 volume 8, no. 64
A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to Heaven!

December 1997