DAILY CATHOLIC WEDNESDAY September 23, 1998 vol. 9, no. 186
MID-WEEK HUMOR
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With the gut of polls coming out so often lately we present our own twist on polls - the ultimate poll or survey on God with tongue in cheek and heart in hand. Our appreciation to N.H. for this bit of wit we've added to.
We have a Pole as Pope, but here's another Poll! Please keep in mind that your responses will be kept completely confidential, and that you need not disclose your name or address although He knows everything anyway! By the way, you don't need to write down your answers - just think them and He will register it in the Great Poll!1. How did you find out about God?
___ Local church ___ Needed a ringer for the church bowling team ___ Newspaper ___ Television ___ Jerry Springer Show ___ Divine Inspiration ___ Word of mouth ___ Near Death Experience ___ Tabloid ___ Burning Shrubbery ___ Bible ___ Hearing your uncle cuss
Other sources (please
specify in thought and conscience) 2. Which model God did you acquire?
___ Father, Son & Holy Ghost ("Trinity" model) ___ Jehovah ___ Jesus ___ Allah ___ Satan ___ G_d---- ___ None of the above, I was taken in by a false god 3. Did your God come to you undamaged, with all parts in good working order and with no obvious breakage or missing attributes?
If the answer is no what were the reasons:
___ Protestant Reformation reformed too much ___ Something's missing. It's not One, Holy, Catholic and Apostolic ___ New Age religions have no idea about the rock of ages ___ Oi vay, only get half of the package with the Old Testament ___ I'm a Vatican II Liberal who thinks the Catholic Church began in 1965 ___ Eastern religions have fat idols with too many arms ___ God doesn't take polls! (Note: Remember your participation is a lifetime guarantee, no 30 day warrantees, but if you don't like the package you were given you can't give it back. No refunds or exchanges. 4. What factors were relevant in your decision to acquire a god? Please check all that apply.
___ Needed a reason to live ___ Indoctrinated by society ___ Needed to get away from a polster ___ Imaginary friend grew up ___ Hate to think for myself ___ Wanted to meet girls/boys ___ Fear of having chalk or erasers thrown at me ___ Wanted to irritate parents ___ Needed a day away from work ___ Knew Howard Stern wasn't the answer! ___ Desperate need for certainty ___ Like organ music ___ Need to feel morally superior ___ My shrubbery caught fire and told me to do it 5. Have you ever worshipped a god before? Is so, which false god were you fooled by? Please check all that apply.
___ Cthulhu ___ Zeus ___ The Almighty Dollar ___ Apollo ___ Left Wing Liberalism ___ Ra ___ Michael Jordan ___ Barney (the purple one) ___ The Great Spirit ___ The Great Pumpkin ___ The Sun ___ Bill Clinton ___ The Moon ___ Someone who takes a poll Other:________________ 6. Are you currently using any other source of inspiration in addition to God? Please check all that apply.
___ Lottery ___ Astrology ___ Television ___ Fortune cookies ___ Ann Landers ___ Psychic Friends Network ___ Dianetics ___ Palmistry ___ Polls & surveys that prove absolutely nothing except pollster's point of view ___ Self-help books ___ Sex, Drugs and Rock and Roll ___ Biorhythms ___ Bill Clinton ___ Tea Leaves ___ EST ___ Mantras ___ Jimmy Swaggart ___ Crystals ___ Human Sacrifice ___ Pyramids ___ Wandering around a desert ___ Insurance policies ___ Burning Shrubbery ___ Barney (the purple one again) ___ Barney Fife (Knot so purple) ___ Barney Google (eye know what you did last summer) Other: ___________________________________ 7. God employs a limited degree of Divine Intervention to preserve the balanced level of felt presence and blind faith. Which would you prefer (circle one)?
b. Less Divine Intervention c. Current level of Divine Intervention is just right d. Don't know...what's Divine Intervention? Is that a gathering of wine growers in Jersey? 8. God also attempts to maintain a balanced level of disasters and miracles. Please rate on a scale of 1 - 5 His handling of the following (1=unsatisfactory, 5=excellent):
___famine ___ earthquake ___ war ___ pestilence ___ plague ___ AOL ___Windows 98 ___Clinton Chronicles ___ New Fall TV Lineup ___ Polls and Surveys like this
____ stars hovering over towns ___crying statues ___water changing to wine (except for Gallo which turns to water) ___ walking on water (except Cuyahoga and Hudson and Minnesota lakes in the winter) ___ talking flaming shrubbery (kudsu doesn't count - it won't burn anyway!) ___VCR that sets its own clock ___ Polls ever being accurate ___ MLB Umpires ever getting a call right ___Bill Clinton ever telling the truth This poll, like all polls will fabricate the answers to fit the needs of the polsters. Then it will be twisted to reflect exactly what the poll-takers want you to read and Bill Clinton will consider it his bible before carefully spinning his next tale in order to see how far he can push the envelope. If you are reading this you can now say you have been polled and we suggest you call the local newspapers and television and radio stations so they can flock to your home to report a first: the first actual person who was ever polled. You might even go down in the Guiness Book of Records as an actual someone who has been polled. Remember, if you didn't answer this poll correctly - God'll get ya! |
MID-WEEK HUMOR DAILY CATHOLIC |