DAILY CATHOLIC WEDNESDAY September 23, 1998 vol. 9, no. 186
To print out entire text of Today's issue, go to SECTION ONE & SECTION TWO
With the gut of polls coming out so often lately we present our own twist on polls - the ultimate poll or survey on God with tongue in cheek and heart in hand. Our appreciation to N.H. for this bit of wit we've added to.
We have a Pole as Pope, but here's another Poll! Please keep in mind that your responses will be kept completely confidential, and that you need not disclose your name or address although He knows everything anyway! By the way, you don't need to write down your answers - just think them and He will register it in the Great Poll!
1. How did you find out about God?
___ Local church
___ Needed a ringer for the church bowling team
___ Jerry Springer Show
___ Divine Inspiration
___ Word of mouth
___ Near Death Experience
___ Burning Shrubbery
___ Hearing your uncle cuss
Other sources (please
specify in thought and conscience)
2. Which model God did you acquire?
___ Father, Son & Holy Ghost ("Trinity" model)
___ None of the above, I was taken in by a false god
3. Did your God come to you undamaged, with all parts in good working order and with no obvious breakage or missing attributes?
If the answer is no what were the reasons:
___ Protestant Reformation reformed too much
___ Something's missing. It's not One, Holy, Catholic and Apostolic
___ New Age religions have no idea about the rock of ages
___ Oi vay, only get half of the package with the Old Testament
___ I'm a Vatican II Liberal who thinks the Catholic Church began in 1965
___ Eastern religions have fat idols with too many arms
___ God doesn't take polls!
(Note: Remember your participation is a lifetime guarantee, no 30 day warrantees, but if you don't like the package you were given you can't give it back. No refunds or exchanges.
4. What factors were relevant in your decision to acquire a god? Please check all that apply.
___ Needed a reason to live
___ Indoctrinated by society
___ Needed to get away from a polster
___ Imaginary friend grew up
___ Hate to think for myself
___ Wanted to meet girls/boys
___ Fear of having chalk or erasers thrown at me
___ Wanted to irritate parents
___ Needed a day away from work
___ Knew Howard Stern wasn't the answer!
___ Desperate need for certainty
___ Like organ music
___ Need to feel morally superior
___ My shrubbery caught fire and told me to do it
5. Have you ever worshipped a god before? Is so, which false god were you fooled by? Please check all that apply.
___ The Almighty Dollar
___ Left Wing Liberalism
___ Michael Jordan
___ Barney (the purple one)
___ The Great Spirit
___ The Great Pumpkin
___ The Sun
___ Bill Clinton
___ The Moon
___ Someone who takes a poll
6. Are you currently using any other source of inspiration in addition to God? Please check all that apply.
___ Fortune cookies
___ Ann Landers
___ Psychic Friends Network
___ Polls & surveys that prove absolutely nothing except pollster's point of view
___ Self-help books
___ Sex, Drugs and Rock and Roll
___ Bill Clinton
___ Tea Leaves
___ Jimmy Swaggart
___ Human Sacrifice
___ Wandering around a desert
___ Insurance policies
___ Burning Shrubbery
___ Barney (the purple one again)
___ Barney Fife (Knot so purple)
___ Barney Google (eye know what you did last summer)
7. God employs a limited degree of Divine Intervention to preserve the balanced level of felt presence and blind faith. Which would you prefer (circle one)?
b. Less Divine Intervention
c. Current level of Divine Intervention is just right
d. Don't know...what's Divine Intervention? Is that a gathering of wine growers in Jersey?
8. God also attempts to maintain a balanced level of disasters and miracles. Please rate on a scale of 1 - 5 His handling of the following (1=unsatisfactory, 5=excellent):
___ New Fall TV Lineup
___ Polls and Surveys like this
____ stars hovering over towns
___water changing to wine (except for Gallo which turns to water)
___ walking on water (except Cuyahoga and Hudson and Minnesota lakes in the winter)
___ talking flaming shrubbery (kudsu doesn't count - it won't burn anyway!)
___VCR that sets its own clock
___ Polls ever being accurate
___ MLB Umpires ever getting a call right
___Bill Clinton ever telling the truth
This poll, like all polls will fabricate the answers to fit the needs of the polsters. Then it will be twisted to reflect exactly what the poll-takers want you to read and Bill Clinton will consider it his bible before carefully spinning his next tale in order to see how far he can push the envelope.
If you are reading this you can now say you have been polled and we suggest you call the local newspapers and television and radio stations so they can flock to your home to report a first: the first actual person who was ever polled. You might even go down in the Guiness Book of Records as an actual someone who has been polled. Remember, if you didn't answer this poll correctly - God'll get ya!