MID-WEEK HUMOR

      We return with our mid-week humor page after a week's hiatus because of the special interview with Mother Teresa's successor last week. Below are some computer bits and bytes sent to us by readers to share with all...

During the nineties we've acquired an entirely different language - computerese. Below are twenty of the more popular idioms today:

1. Home is where you hang your @.
2. The e-mail of the species is deadlier than the mail.
3. A journey of a thousand sites begins with but a single click.
4. You can't teach an old mouse new clicks.
5. Speak softly and carry a cellular phone.
6. Too many clicks spoil the browse.
7. The geek shall inherit the earth.
8. A chat has nine lives.
9. Don't byte off more than you can view.
10. Fax is stronger than fiction.
11. What boot up must come down.
12. Will windows never cease?
13. Virtual reality is its own reward.
14. Modulation in all things.
15. A user and his leisure are soon parted.
16.There's no place like www.home.com.
17. Speed thrills.
18. Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day; teach him to use the Net, and he won't bother you any more.
19. Know what to expect before you connect.
20. Oh what tangled websites we weave, when first we practice.

YA, YOU BETCHA COMPUTER JARGON!

     Computerese can vary in various parts of the country such as in the state where this editor originally hails from - Minnesota. Therefore, we present this upper midwest "Guide to Computer Jargon from Jergie Jorgenson":

• Log on-----making the woodstove hotter.
  
• Log off----don't add wood.
  
• Monitor---keep an eye on the woodstove.
  
• Download--getting firewood off the pickup.
  
• Micro chip--all that's left in the bottom of the bag.
  
• Megahertz--what happens when downloading when you drop a log on your toe.
  
• Floppy disk--what you get from piling too much wood.
  
• Hard drive---getting home in a snowstorm.
  
• Windows--- what you close when it's 30 below outside.
  
• Screen----what you need for mosquito season.
  
• Byte---what the mosquitoes do if you don't have a screen.
  
• Modem--what you do to the hay fields.
  
• Software---plastic eating utensils.
  
• Mouse---what eats the grain in the barn.
  
• Mainframe---the part of the barn that holds it up.
  
• Port---fancy wine we tried once in the Twin Cities.
  

Finally, do you know what "www" means? World wide wait! Think about it.