DAILY CATHOLIC    WEDNESDAY     September 23, 1998     vol. 9, no. 186


To print out entire text of Today's issue, go to SECTION ONE & SECTION TWO
      With the gut of polls coming out so often lately we present our own twist on polls - the ultimate poll or survey on God with tongue in cheek and heart in hand. Our appreciation to N.H. for this bit of wit we've added to.

      We have a Pole as Pope, but here's another Poll! Please keep in mind that your responses will be kept completely confidential, and that you need not disclose your name or address although He knows everything anyway! By the way, you don't need to write down your answers - just think them and He will register it in the Great Poll!

1. How did you find out about God?
    ___ Parents
    ___ Local church
    ___ Needed a ringer for the church bowling team
    ___ Newspaper
    ___ Television
    ___ Jerry Springer Show
    ___ Divine Inspiration
    ___ Word of mouth
    ___ Near Death Experience
    ___ Tabloid
    ___ Burning Shrubbery
    ___ Bible
    ___ Hearing your uncle cuss

    Other sources (please specify in thought and conscience)

2. Which model God did you acquire?

    ___ Yahweh
    ___ Father, Son & Holy Ghost ("Trinity" model)
    ___ Jehovah
    ___ Jesus
    ___ Allah
    ___ Satan
    ___ G_d----
    ___ None of the above, I was taken in by a false god

3. Did your God come to you undamaged, with all parts in good working order and with no obvious breakage or missing attributes?

    __ Yes __ No

    If the answer is no what were the reasons:

      ___ Old time religion had no time for God's laws
      ___ Protestant Reformation reformed too much
      ___ Something's missing. It's not One, Holy, Catholic and Apostolic
      ___ New Age religions have no idea about the rock of ages
      ___ Oi vay, only get half of the package with the Old Testament
      ___ I'm a Vatican II Liberal who thinks the Catholic Church began in 1965
      ___ Eastern religions have fat idols with too many arms
      ___ God doesn't take polls!

    (Note: Remember your participation is a lifetime guarantee, no 30 day warrantees, but if you don't like the package you were given you can't give it back. No refunds or exchanges.

4. What factors were relevant in your decision to acquire a god? Please check all that apply.

    ___ Indoctrinated by parents
    ___ Needed a reason to live
    ___ Indoctrinated by society
    ___ Needed to get away from a polster
    ___ Imaginary friend grew up
    ___ Hate to think for myself
    ___ Wanted to meet girls/boys
    ___ Fear of having chalk or erasers thrown at me
    ___ Wanted to irritate parents
    ___ Needed a day away from work
    ___ Knew Howard Stern wasn't the answer!
    ___ Desperate need for certainty
    ___ Like organ music
    ___ Need to feel morally superior
    ___ My shrubbery caught fire and told me to do it

5. Have you ever worshipped a god before? Is so, which false god were you fooled by? Please check all that apply.

    ___ Odin
    ___ Cthulhu
    ___ Zeus
    ___ The Almighty Dollar
    ___ Apollo
    ___ Left Wing Liberalism
    ___ Ra
    ___ Michael Jordan
    ___ Barney (the purple one)
    ___ The Great Spirit
    ___ The Great Pumpkin
    ___ The Sun
    ___ Bill Clinton
    ___ The Moon
    ___ Someone who takes a poll


6. Are you currently using any other source of inspiration in addition to God? Please check all that apply.

    ___ Tarot
    ___ Lottery
    ___ Astrology
    ___ Television
    ___ Fortune cookies
    ___ Ann Landers
    ___ Psychic Friends Network
    ___ Dianetics
    ___ Palmistry
    ___ Polls & surveys that prove absolutely nothing except pollster's point of view
    ___ Self-help books
    ___ Sex, Drugs and Rock and Roll
    ___ Biorhythms
    ___ Bill Clinton
    ___ Tea Leaves
    ___ EST
    ___ Mantras
    ___ Jimmy Swaggart
    ___ Crystals
    ___ Human Sacrifice
    ___ Pyramids
    ___ Wandering around a desert
    ___ Insurance policies
    ___ Burning Shrubbery
    ___ Barney (the purple one again)
    ___ Barney Fife (Knot so purple)
    ___ Barney Google (eye know what you did last summer)

    Other: ___________________________________

7. God employs a limited degree of Divine Intervention to preserve the balanced level of felt presence and blind faith. Which would you prefer (circle one)?

    a. More Divine Intervention
    b. Less Divine Intervention
    c. Current level of Divine Intervention is just right
    d. Don't know...what's Divine Intervention? Is that a gathering of wine growers in Jersey?

8. God also attempts to maintain a balanced level of disasters and miracles. Please rate on a scale of 1 - 5 His handling of the following (1=unsatisfactory, 5=excellent):

    a. Disasters:
      ___ flood
      ___ earthquake
      ___ war
      ___ pestilence
      ___ plague
      ___ AOL
      ___Windows 98
      ___Clinton Chronicles
      ___ New Fall TV Lineup
      ___ Polls and Surveys like this
    b. Miracles
      ___ rescues
      ____ stars hovering over towns
      ___crying statues
      ___water changing to wine (except for Gallo which turns to water)
      ___ walking on water (except Cuyahoga and Hudson and Minnesota lakes in the winter)
      ___ talking flaming shrubbery (kudsu doesn't count - it won't burn anyway!)
      ___VCR that sets its own clock
      ___ Polls ever being accurate
      ___ MLB Umpires ever getting a call right
      ___Bill Clinton ever telling the truth

This poll, like all polls will fabricate the answers to fit the needs of the polsters. Then it will be twisted to reflect exactly what the poll-takers want you to read and Bill Clinton will consider it his bible before carefully spinning his next tale in order to see how far he can push the envelope.

If you are reading this you can now say you have been polled and we suggest you call the local newspapers and television and radio stations so they can flock to your home to report a first: the first actual person who was ever polled. You might even go down in the Guiness Book of Records as an actual someone who has been polled. Remember, if you didn't answer this poll correctly - God'll get ya!

September 23, 1998       volume 9, no. 186


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