DAILY CATHOLIC WEDNESDAY June 10, 1998 vol. 9, no. 112
A FUNNY THING HAPPENED ON THE WAY TO HEAVEN
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Today's humor replaces our Wednesday CATHOLIC PewPOINT. With all the hubbub about Windows 98 and Bill Gates and the anti-trust suit, we provide some humor of "what if" - what if the head of Microsoft, with all his wealth and power, left this world suddenly - after all, you can't take it with you - and met God face to face. Following is a scenario that not only should give you a good chuckle, but make one think...especially if they have Microsoft programs! We're grateful to Nancy from Germany for this bit of wit which we call "The Gates of hell."
Bill Gates dies and finds himself being sized up by God...
"Well, I'm really confused on this call. I'm not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you enormously helped society by putting a computer in almost every home in America, yet you also created that ghastly Windows '95. I'm going to do something I've never done before. I'm going to let you decide where you want to go."
Bill replied, "Well, what's the difference between the two?"
God said, "I'm willing to let you visit both places briefly to see if it will help your decision."
"Fine, but where should I go first?" Bill asked.
"I'll leave that up to you." God replied.
"Okay then," said Bill, "let's try hell first."
So Bill went to hell. It was a beautiful, clean, sandy beach with clear waters and lots of beautiful women running around, playing in the water, laughing and frolicking about. The sun was shining; the temperature perfect. He was very pleased. "This is great," he told God. "If this is hell, I really want to see Heaven."
"Fine," said God, and off they went. Heaven was a place high in the clouds, with angels drifting about, playing harps and singing. It was nice, but not as enticing as hell.
Bill thought for a quick minute, and rendered his decision. "Hmmm. I think I'd prefer hell," he told God.
"It's your choice. You have a free will." replied God.
So Bill Gates went to hell.
Two weeks later, God dispatched one of His archangels to check on the late billionaire since there were reports that he wasn't as happy as he thought he would be. The archangel looked in and found Bill, shackled to a wall screaming as hot flames seared up around him in the dark caves, being burned and tortured by demons, with no one to help him out of his dilemma no matter how loud he screamed.
"How's everything going?" The archangel asked Bill.
Bill responded with his voice filled with anguish and tormented disappointment. "This is awful. This is nothing like the hell I visited two weeks ago. I can't believe this is happening. What happened to that other place, with the beaches and the beautiful women playing in the water????"
"Oh," the archangel said, God told me to tell you, "that was Hell 3.1. This is Hell 98!
And these humorous bits are courtesy of Gary Stahler of Escondido.
Over the massive front doors of St. John's Church, these words were inscribed: "The Gates of Heaven". Below that was a small cardboard sign which read: "Please use other entrance."
A woman went to the Post Office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards."What Denomination?" Asked the clerk. "Oh, good heavens! Have we come to this?" said the woman. "Well give me 50 Baptist and 50 Catholic ones."
On a very cold, snowy Sunday in February, only the priest and one farmer arrived at the village church for Mass. The padre said, "Well, I guess we won't have a Mass today." The farmer replied: "Heck, if even only one cow shows up at feeding time, I feed it."
A dad was at the beach with his children when his four-year-old son ran up to him, grabbed his hand, and led him to the shore, where a sea gull lay dead in the sand. "Dad, what happened to him?" the little boy asked. "He died and went to Heaven," the father replied. The boy thought a moment and then said, "And God threw him back down?"
Bill Keane, creator of the "Family Circus" cartoon strip tells of a time when he was penciling one of his cartoons and his son Jeffy said, "Daddy, how do you know what to draw?" I said, "God tells me." Jeffy said, "Then why do you keep erasing parts of it?"
After Mass one Sunday, a little boy told the celebrant: "When I grow up, I'm going to give you some money." "Well, thank you," the priest replied, "but why?" "Because my daddy says you're one of the poorest preachers we've ever had."
A mother and wife invited her husband's boss and some fellow workers to dinner. At the table, she turned to her six-year-old daughter and said, "Would you like to say the blessing?" I wouldn't know what to say," she replied. "Just say what you hear Mommy say," the mother said. The daughter bowed her head and said: "Dear Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?"
MID WEEK HUMOR