The Lighter Side
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vol, 9
no. 83

A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to Heaven!

      In our mid-week humor today we bring you some one liners that might make you think twice, but should bring a few chuckles during this third week of Easter. In the tradition of Milton Berle we have borrowed these one-liners liberally from several comedians...enjoy!

  • If Barbie is so popular, why do little girls have to buy her friends?
  • Seen in a classified: For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.

  • Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

  • Corduroy pillows: They're making headlines!

  • I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

  • I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

  • Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

  • Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

  • Boycott shampoo! Demand the REAL poo!

  • Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

  • I'm not cheap, but I am on special this week.

  • I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

  • I intend to live forever - so far, so good.

  • I love defenseless animals, especially in a good gravy.

  • If you ain't makin' waves, you ain't kickin' hard enough!.

  • Mental backup in progress - Do Not Disturb!

  • Mind Like A Steel Trap - Rusty And Illegal In 37 States.

  • Quantum Mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.

  • Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.

  • Televangelists: The Pro Wrestlers of religion.

  • The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.

  • When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

  • Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

  • If I worked as much as others, I would do as little as they.

  • If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

  • Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.

  • When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.

  • Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.

  • If you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?

  • Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?

  • What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

  • If the Energizer Bunny were arrested, would he be charged with battery?

  • I poured Spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.

  • I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.

  • Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

  • How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?

  • Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.

  • Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms!

  • OK, so what's the speed of dark?

  • Black holes are where God divided by zero.

  • All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.

April 29, 1998 volume 9, no. 83
A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to Heaven!