DAILY CATHOLIC for April 22
The Lighter Side
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vol, 9
no. 78

A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to Heaven!

      In our second installment after Lent, we bring you a few more zingers in story-like form that we think you'll get a chuckle over. We also list the answers to last week's puzzler on finding the 45 books of the bible within a very short story.

         A young boy was doing poorly in math at public school so his mother decided to send him to private school to rectify the situation. Lo and behold, after a semester in the new private Catholic school, the boy's grades were straight A's, even in math!

    Surprised, his mother asked him how he liked his new school. "Oh, it's all right, I guess," he replies.

    "They must be teaching you some new tricks!"

    "Not really."

    "Then what do you think is making the difference in your grades?"

    "Well", he says, "as soon as I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they meant business!"


         A man received a free ticket to Opening Day of the baseball season from his company. Unfortunately, when he arrived at the stadium he realized, to his dismay, that the seat was in the last row in the corner of the stadium -- he is closer to the Goodyear Blimp than the field. As he ponders whether to navigate the ramp to the highest deck, he notices an empty seat in the second row behind homeplate. Taking a chance, he made his way down the aisle, around the security guards to the empty seat. As he sat down, he asked the gentleman sitting next to him, "Excuse me, is anyone sitting here?"

    The man replies no. Now, very excited to be in such a great seat for the game, he again inquires of the man next to him, "This is incredible! Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for Opening Day and not use it?"

    The man replies, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me, I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away the other day. This is the first Opening Day we haven't been together at since we got married in 1942."

    "Well, that's terribly sad. But still, couldn't you find someone to take the seat? A relative or close friend?"

    "No," the man replied, "they're all at her funeral."


         An excited customer went to his regular barber for his last haircut before going on vacation. As the barber snipped away, he asked "So, what's new?" The customer couldn't contain his excitement letting him know that he was taking his family for a vacation to Rome.

    "Rome!?" the barbar scowled. "Why would you want to go there? It's a crowded dirty city full of Italians! You'd be crazy to go to Rome! How are you getting there?"

    "We're flying on Air Italia," the man sitting in the barber chair replied.

    "Air Italia?" whined the barber. "They're a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly and they're always late! The barber inquired further, Where are you staying in Rome?"

    The man answered, "We'll be at the downtown International Marriot."

    "That DUMP?!" shot back the barber. "That's the worst hotel in the city! The rooms are small, the service is surly and slow and they're overpriced!" Exasperated, the barber asked, "So what are you going to do when you get there?"

    "We're going to go see the Vatican and hope to see the Pope."

    "Ha!" laughed the barber. "You and about a million other sweaty tourists will be trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on THIS trip. You're going to need it!"

    With that he finished and each bid the other adieu.

    A month later, the traveler came back in for his regular haircut.

    The barber sarcastically asked, "Well, how did that trip to Rome turn out? I'll bet the airlines gave you the worst flight of your life!"

    "No, quite the opposite," affirmed the customer. "Not only were we on time in one of their brand new planes, but it was overbooked so they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were excellent, and we had a beautiful 25-year old flight attendant who was both pretty and efficient."

    "Hmmm," mused the barber, "Well, I bet the hotel was just like I described."

    "Not at all. They just completed a $25 million renovation. It's the finest hotel in Rome, now. They were overbooked, too, but they were so embarrassed about it that they gave us the Presidential suite for no extra charge!"

    By now the barber was getting upset at all the good fortune this man and his family had encountered in light of the fact that the barber had predicted they would have a miserable time. So he relished his next line as he mumbled confidently, "Well, I KNOW for sure you didn't get to see the Pope!"

    The customer sat upright in his chair with a big smile from ear to ear, "Actually, that turned out well, too. As we toured the Vatican, a Swiss guard tapped me on the shoulder and explained that the Pope likes to personally meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into this private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, after 5 minutes the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand. As I knelt down to kiss his ring, he spoke a few words to me."

    Flabbergasted and finally extremely impressed, the barber asked, "So tell me! What did he say to you?"

    "His Holiness leaned over and said 'Where on earth did you get that awful haircut!?'"


For the answers to last week's Bible Quiz Story, see today's CATHOLIC PewPOINT.

April 22, 1998 volume 9, no. 78
A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to Heaven!



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