DAILY CATHOLIC    WEDNESDAY     November 4, 1998     vol. 9, no. 216


To print out entire text of Today's issue, go to SECTION ONE & SECTION TWO
      Today's biblicologys come from EJB and NHrespectively via e-mail and should prompt us to go back and check the Good Book because the light-hearted bit below in no way resembles the Word, but it is clever. The first - "The Bible According to Kids" gives us a new take on looking at things from an innocent, naieve perspective. The second looks at the story of Noah's Ark from a unique viewpoint in providing all the basics necessary for knowledge in "All I ever need to know I learned from Noah's Ark."

The Bible According to Kids

          The statements below were written by young students and are genuine, authentic and not retouched or corrected:

    In the first book of the Bible, Guinessis, God got tired of creating the world, so he took the Sabbath off.

    Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree.

    Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark.

    Noah built an ark, which the animals come on to in pears.

    Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night.

    Samson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a Jezebel like Delilah.

    Samson slayed the Philistines with the axe of the Apostles.

    Moses led the Hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread which is bread without any ingredients.

    The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert.

    Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten ammendments.

    The first commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.

    The fifth commandment is to humor thy father and mother.

    The seventh commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.*

      (*Clinton uses this one in his legal defense)

    Moses died before he ever reached Canada.

    Then Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol.

    The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.

    David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar.

    He fought with the Finklesteins, a race of people who lived in Biblical times.

    Solomon, one of David's sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.

    When Mary heard that she was the mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna Carta.

    When the three wise guys from the East side arrived, they found Jesus in his Ranger.

    Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption.

    St. John, the blacksmith, dumped water on his head.

    Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says to do one to others before they do one to you.

    He also explained, "A man doth not live by sweat alone."

    It was a miracle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the tombstone off the entrance. The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 decibels.

    The epistles were the wives of the apostles.

    One of the opossums was St. Matthew who was also a taximan.

    St. Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached holy acrimony, which is another name for marriage.

    A Christian should have only one spouse. This is called monotony.

All I ever need to know I learned from Noah's Ark

    Plan ahead. It wasn't raining when Noah built the ark.

    Stay fit. When you're 600 years old, someone might ask you to do something REALLY big.

    Don't listen to critics ... do what has to be done.

    Build on higher ground.

    For safety's sake, travel in pairs.

    Two heads are better than one.

    Speed isn't always an advantage. The cheetahs were on board, but so were the snails.

    If you can't fight or flee ... float!

    Take care of your animals as if they were the last ones on earth.

    Don't forget that we're all in the same boat.

    When the doo-doo gets really deep, don't sit there and complain ... shovel!

    Stay below deck during the storm.

    Remember that the ark was built by amateurs, and the Titanic was built by professionals.

    If you have to start over, have a friend by your side.

    Remember that the woodpeckers INSIDE are often a bigger threat than the storm outside.

    Don't miss the boat.

    No matter how bleak it looks, there's always a rainbow on the other side.

November 4, 1998       volume 9, no. 211


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